Because after the grant goes in, she goes to a magical town in the mountains where church bells ring all day, where twilight catches the painted walls and bricks and turns them soft and mysterious, where locals in feathered costumes dance down the cobblestone streets, where the sunset tastes like mezcal and jicama tacos.
Latent Lollygagger: Caring is Sharing
It’s relieving to think I don’t have to care about everything. That I, Erin, don’t have to have an opinion and honestly it won’t really matter. I don’t care enough to be informed about everything, meaning I’m not informed enough to have an opinion, meaning I’m not opinionated enough to express my views to anyone.
Latent Lollygagger: New Connections
I want to understand why my brain is wired in such a way that feeling appreciation, gratitude, pride, celebration is so fleeting. But, I don’t want to turn that understanding into another way I can criticize myself.
Latent Lollygagger: Desire-less
What it feels like to not feel like doing the things I want to do.
Latent Lollygagger: The Perfectionist in the Way
The perfectionist wants to skip over that emotional detour. To enter into fix-it mode, to say, “Pull yourself together, now is the time to help, to be extra productive!” This vulnerability is not a detour. It is a necessary pit stop along the way.
Latent Lollygagger: Putting Myself Together
What if she’s the one who can see the authentic me, and I cannot? What if I can be vulnerable and open and real and all those things and still be seen as having my shit together? Like those aren’t diametrically opposed views? That being vulnerable doesn’t have to equal “hot mess.” That perhaps it’s _my_ definition of “put together” that needs to change, not hers.
Latent Lollygagger: Setting the Bar
If the bars I set for myself turn into expectations, then no wonder I can’t celebrate clearing them. And even if I set the bar really high for myself (which I know I do), then anything less becomes a failure. It means I define failure as anything less than the absolute best. It means I define success as doing what is expected of me. There is no room for celebration in that equation.
Latent Lollygagger: The Journey
A lesson in balance: creating the conditions for success but then detaching from the outcome.
Latent Lollygagger: One Step at a Time
On stopping long enough to savor the moment.
Tuesday Morning Coffee: Active Recovery
Stagnation, it seems, isn’t good for much of anything. So, when it comes to giving ourselves a break, are we stagnating or keeping the blood moving?