What I would like to bottle up to save for later.
After dissecting the decision to visit my mom in last week’s post, the decision was made. A weight flew off my shoulders, and while bits and pieces of it landed back on as we implemented the logistics of what a visit during a pandemic entails, there is a freeing release when a decision is made and my brain is freed up for other things.
Making decisions based on all the factors, wanting to carefully consider options and not just jump head-first into an option before checking the depth of the water, this isn’t a bad skill to have. The anxiety appears when I skip over the line from functional to distressing.
The way I like to think about it, isn’t about my suffering or lack thereof. It’s that collectively, there is a sharing of the suffering that allows humanity to survive.
That saying, when you only have a hammer, everything becomes a nail? When you only have an anxious, ruminating mind, everything becomes a problem to solve.
Despite everything, it’s still possible to feel bored simply because what we’re waiting for hasn’t happened yet.
Learning lessons from vacation rather than trying to recreate it.
These days, it’s the starting that’s the hard part. Once I’m going along on a task or project or activity, whether it’s for work or pleasure or both, I am fine (and usually wonder why it took me so long to get going). I wonder why that is. Why the getting going is hard, even for something I truly want to do and know I’ll enjoy doing?
Some of us still curl in our cocoons, waiting for our time to be right. We can now see both the butterflies, free and saving us all, but we can also see the raging worms. We know we want to be a butterfly, but it is tempting to escape early. To stay as we were. Because at least the worms are out there, in the world, not enclosed with only their thoughts and dreams and despairs and anger and fear.
The difference between being in immediate survival mode and a more sustainable survival mode, and the grief we need to allow ourselves to experience to move from one to the other.