It’s hard to think about desire when it seems the world is upside down and inside out. But - what if we could think about desire not as productivity, but as keeping the littlest of sparks in us alive?
The first step in anything big and scary is usually rocky. It looks huge. My perfectionism convinces me I can’t take that leap, but look over here, here’s a safe thing you can do instead that is guaranteed to go well and you won’t trip and fall.
What does my perfectionism feel like? Like a pinch in the stomach Like a building up of pressure Like guilt Like shame Like fear Like a worm
Control is the gold at the end of the rainbow, which keeps moving the closer you get. It seems like an actual place, where you can go and be bathed in rainbow light and claim its treasure. My perfectionism assures me that if I just keep trying, I’ll get to the end.
The entire battle of perfectionism is that it sets up an impossible conflict: being perfect versus real life. Real life will win every time.
The perfectionist wants to skip over that emotional detour. To enter into fix-it mode, to say, “Pull yourself together, now is the time to help, to be extra productive!” This vulnerability is not a detour. It is a necessary pit stop along the way.
My commitment is to keep with the monthly theme of vulnerability and trust. As I think about those concepts in the context of the worldwide pandemic, I wonder what they may have to do with the intense anger, the nearly obsessive indignation and self-righteousness, that I feel.
Because we’re all so vulnerable, it means we have to put more trust in each other to take care of the collective. Because of this added trust, we become even more vulnerable to the actions of others.
If I can find the words here, and put them out into the world, I know that I have the words to say. If I can say them here, I can say them out loud, to the people in my life.
The shadow makes it hard to do anything, let alone be curious about why it’s hard to do anything. It knows that the minute I start questioning its existence, it will lose power and fade away. It pushes me so deeply into the swirl of everything, that it’s hard to separate myself from the shadow.