depression, tuesday morning coffee

Tuesday Morning Coffee: Questions

Good morning, friends.

I’m struggling this morning, I know because I set the alarm an hour later when it first went off, then hit snooze a few times, then putzed around making coffee, and then got sucked into Twitter and FB. I’m looking at the stack of notecards on which I’ve jotted down blog prompts, and none of them are inspiring me. I’m feeling lazy and fuzzy and malaise-y, almost paralyzed thinking about un-sticking myself and proceeding with my day.

I find my mind is full of questions.

Photo by Emily Morter on Unsplash

What is the balance between “giving myself a break” for days I don’t feel good, and not succumbing and curling up in bed for the day when that won’t make me feel better (but feels oh-so-tempting)?

What is the balance between looking outward for motivation and looking outward for a distraction from the fact that I’m not motivated by filling up my time with clicks and scrolls that make me feel more productive than sitting with the fact that I don’t feel motivated and trying to look beneath it?

Why does my brain like to push back against doing the very things that will help me feel better?

How do I allow myself to be human, acknowledging and yet not berating myself for having days that are hard, when sometimes it feels like I want to shut down? Even the few words I’ve now put down shed more of a light than did the thirty minutes I spent cycling between social media sites. But the latter gives me that little dopamine rush that is immediate gratification, whereas the process of writing is more arduous, something I have to sift through and navigate, which is plodding and awkward when I’m not feeling great, trying to peek around corners and climb over walls when really what I feel like doing is finding a nice quiet corner and curling up for the day.

Why can’t present me do the things that past me wanted to do today? Why don’t I want to? How do I get past me and future me out of my head long enough to figure out what present me wants?

Why can’t I just feel better? Why can’t I just get up and proceed with my day and do the things I need to be doing? “Why can’t I just…” what a dangerous question, one that implies that there’s something I’m “supposed” to be doing, something that should be “easy” because it’s something I should “just” be able to do like a “normal” human being.

I’m obviously not going to answer these questions probably ever, let alone in a few minutes of writing. But writing them out helps. I’m dealing with some doubt as to publishing this, which also feels important to write out. Maybe I’m hoping these are universal questions that may resonate with others, maybe I’m hoping that sticking with my weekly blog goal is at least one way to do what I want to be doing, I don’t know. But, here goes.

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