I have left myself only about twenty minutes this morning but I want to at least start a thread about a word that has been on my mind lately (and, apparently that of my mother, given the topics of conversation this past weekend while I was visiting her.
For as much as I like to tell myself that I don’t care what other people think, that I have a fierce independent streak and stubbornness that I can take care of myself and need to be able to do what I want to do, I still can’t shake the feeling that I’m being watched.
Being watched by a thousand pairs of judgmental eyes.
Or, maybe it’s really just a few, traced back to some point in my childhood when I thought it was really important to please people, to be perfect.
In any case, most of the time I think I forget that these eyes exist, but subconsciously, I know they’re there.
But they’re not really there, are they? Any pair of eyes I imagine coming from an external source are really a trick of my own mind. I won’t say they’re a figment of my imagination, because they feel very real. Not imaginary at all.
Let me tell you something. I can judge myself over allowing imaginary eyes have any control over me.
It’s exhausting.
I want to blindfold those eyes. I want not to care about those eyes. I want to live my life, anyway, even if I am being watched by those eyes.
Any way you look at it, I am tired of the eyes.
I know I will be exploring how I can untether myself from the pressure of feeling watched all the time. For now, just breaking the ice is enough, and I think a lot of my inner work will be asking myself the question: what would you do if you didn’t feel the eyes on you?
What would you do if you didn’t feel judgment?
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